Who doesn’t remember their first love? Sure – every one may say that your first love never really dies, but do you think that’s actually true? What if your first love was the reason that you were killing yourself inside?
Let’s keep this part short and simple.
Once upon a daydream, I was fifteen. Yes, I know what you all are thinking — “YOU ARE SO YOUNG TO BE IN LOVE AT FIFTEEN, TRACY!!!” Sorry, I couldn’t help myself and Taylor Swift’s songs weren’t helping me much either. He was my high school sweetheart and we fell in love for a few years. It was as magical as any of the Disney princess movies that we have all seen when we were kids, but in my case — I didn’t have a happy ending with my prince charming.
All relationships must come to an end, but denial made it harder for me to realize that initially. When he left, I became a mess. I didn’t smile as much and I stopped laughing at corny jokes. There would be times that I would choose to be alone – away from the evil civilization my mind has created. I would repeatedly asked myself, “Why? Why does this have to happen to me? What did I do to deserve this?” Unfortunately the only way I had tried searching for answers was after a few bottles of beer, and nothing seemed to make any sense at all. I was in a horrible state and I didn’t care. The only time that I could fall asleep was when I was finished crying. My meals consisted of alcohol and saltine crackers (I know, it’s as disgusting as it sounds). Sometimes, I would skip class because I did not want to see people. I did not want to show people of how vulnerable I had let myself become.
I was losing my mind and I was losing myself. I knew that the only person who could save me from becoming an even bigger emotional wreck was myself.
One day (after a few months of being broken), I had decided that I had enough. Even though I knew that I was hurting, I had chose to become strong — or at least try to in the meantime. I had started attending class and studied my ass off. I had stopped drinking every other day (I would only have a drink or two during a special occasion). I had converted my energy to playing on my college’s football (soccer) team again and I had even joined other random extra-curricular activities at school (The Search for the next Thomasian Nursing Ideal Personality, yes — a school pageant lol). I chose to believe that this heartbreak became a blessing in disguise.
Just because something had shattered you into pieces, doesn’t mean that you need to remain that way forever. You can’t expect to wake up one day and just tell yourself, “I’m ok.” You can fix yourself, but trust me – it will take time. Like I said earlier, it took me months. So in the meantime, you can cry your heart out if you have to, but when you think you had enough — stop! Don’t forget to remember that you are a special person, too. One day, He will give you one of the greatest gift that you can be thankful for — CHANGE.
“The biggest mistake one can make, is losing yourself in the process of valuing someone too much, and forgetting you are special too.” – Unknown
Save some love for yourself